On Courage
“Courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. It’s knowing you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no…
“Courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. It’s knowing you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.” - To Kill a Mockingbird
When I quit my job at a well established hospital centre (see previous post), a lot of people commended me on how brave I was to be following my heart and daring to venture into uncharted ground (those who weren’t goggling with disbelief that I would give THIS up with nothing except my good sense waiting for me on the other side).
The truth is, quitting my job was the easy part. All it took was some basic sequencing:
1) Go into manager’s office Monday after taking off boots and coat.
2) Explain that I have appreciated my time here and have learned much from the staff, and it is now time for me to leave.
3) Figure out some details regarding my last day and how my vacation will be paid out to me.
I’m only being slightly facetious when I say this, but following your heart is kind of a no-brainer once you realize that’s how to play the game. It’s not hard to do the right thing once you are clear about what it is. Taking action on listening to what your inner self is saying is just the follow through. And it’s a smooth follow through. The universe is on your side on this one. Looks scary, but it goes easy. Once you’ve decided, the execution of your will is just flicking the ball into the Rube Goldberg machine of the your life. Just watch it go!
Now what is NOT EASY AT ALL is the lead-up to your follow through, and that’s where courage comes in. When all you know is that from the inside out, you are not in the right place, not doing the right thing, not with the right people, but also not any closer to a solution, that’s where your courage really needs to step up. What really takes guts is facing down day after day after day of the thing you know is wrong for you, but still enduring it while nurturing the small hope that maybe today is the day that you’ll find something that’ll make it all make sense.
Like the months (sometimes years) of knowing that your relationship is just not working, but WHAT to do about it? Courage is staying willing to go through it in spite of knowing that you’re not happy, not thriving, not yourself here. But still choosing to be there to catch the breezes of inspiration that might make it better.
No, indeed courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. Courage is ploughing through a sandstorm, having your senses blinded, and your flesh rended by the forces of chaos around and inside you, disoriented to where you are and where you are going, and despite everything, still straining with all you have left inside to hear yourself in all of it.
Courage is not an event or an action. Courage is breathing through the slow, painful non-path of doubt, anxiety, and self-loathing that eventually leads to a belvedere of insight into the heart.
Courage is choosing not to die inside. It is choosing not to drug yourself, palliate yourself (TV, shopping, eating, drinking, drugs, complaining, the internet) with whatever helps to forget the pain. It is choosing not to believe that there is something the matter with you that things feel so WRONG. It is choosing not to settle and convince yourself that actually, you ARE happy, or rather, you SHOULD be happy with the benefits, job security, and paid vacation — the trademark alloys of our society’s platinum handcuffs.
And if you come to the decision that quitting your job, or any other change must come to pass, know that by the time you have come to this place, the hardest part is already done. The rest is just letting the ball drop.
Originally published on livingleftunlabeled.blogspot.com, April 6, 2011